The Overexamined Life of A.V. Phibes

Eco-freak tote bag? Yeah, Go fuck yourself.

Oh, hello there tote bag.  What's that?  You're saving the planet?  And implying that I'm not?  Well listen to this "green" tip:  Go fuck yourself.  Yeah, you heard me, bag.  I don't need your fucking self-righteous attitude. 

Look,  I'm just trying to browse this stationery store and you have to go and get all up in my face with your attitude.  Who the hell do you think you are?  You think you're better than me?  What am I doing to save the planet?  First of all: NOT BUYING SOME ASSHOLE BAG THAT'S MADE IN CHINA LIKE YOU!

Oh, I'm sorry, where you shipped from China in a boat that's fueled by eco-friendly unicorn jizz?  Is that why you're so fucking special?  Is that why you're all up in my grill acting like you're saving the motherfucking world?  You know, I have a closet full of bags I can use. I dont' have to BUY a smug fucker like you.  YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!  

Oooh... you're "reusable," big fucking deal.  Like my other bags aren't?  I'm supposed to buy you and act like my shit don't stink?  Well, news flash, bag... if I were to actually carry you around, my ass would be kicked so fast it wouldn't know what hit it.  Anyone who buys you is going to have their ass kicked... and therefore is an idiot. So what the hell is your point?  You're just being a dick.  Nobody likes a dick, bag.

Look, I'm just trying to be real with you.  This holier-than-thou shit you have going on is not cool.  You are not going to get anyone on your side that way.  If anything, your attitude makes me want to feed styrofoam to endangered species just to spite you.  You're a bag... you don't have to be a DOUCHEbag.  Seriously.

Can we just establish something, here?  Basically, you are just another piece of bullshit made in China, so I don't know where you get off preaching like you're some kind of fucking messiah.  You're a fucking bag.  PEOPLE ALREADY HAVE BAGS, ASSHOLE.  So where do you get off?  What is up with your self-righteous shit?  You know what... fine... you're saving the planet.  Let's see what you do when push comes to shove, bag.  My guess?  Jack.  You aren't going to do Jack.  Why?  Because you're a fucking bag. What are you gonna do?  TOTE away the problem?  get real.

Yeah, that's right.  I said it.  Now shut the fuck up and knock off the attitude.

Give me a Fucking Break: Tea Tree Australian Chewing Sticks, get real...you're a toothpick.

 So I saw this box of toothpicks laying on the table and noticed something:  These toothpicks were calling themselves "chewing sticks."  I guess being called a toothpick isn't good enough for these pretentious assholes, they have to be "chewing sticks."  Oh, hello chewing stick.  Would you like some champagne and caviar?  May I take your top hat?  How about I roll out a fucking red carpet for you?

Look, give it up.  You're a toothpick.  Why do you have to play games?  Do you think that just because you have tea tree oil, you're  better than everyone else?  Oh, excuse me... you're "impregnated" with tea tree oil.  La-dee-fucking-da.  Don't expect me to give you my seat on the bus. You're not impressing me with your fancy vocabulary, toothpick, you're just making yourself look like a douche.  

Oh, and where did you get the idea that you could impress people by saying you're australian?  This just shows that you are totally fucking clueless.  What?  Did you think we would think you were "exotic."  Did you think you would conjure up images of the Sydney Opera House and crystal goblets of robust Shiraz?  News Flash:  here in America, when we hear "australian" we just think of Crocodile Dundee throwing shrimps on the barbie while he gets drunk on Fosters.   Maybe you should grab your digeridoo and your Kylie Minogue CDs and fuck off before a dingo eats your baby.

Okay, so you're a stick and maybe people chew on you, but you know what other sticks people chew on?  That's right:  TOOTHPICKS.  Some of them are even minty, and you don't see them putting on airs.  Seriously, get over yourself.