The Overexamined Life of A.V. Phibes

Confessions of a professional artist. How I did it and how you may or may not be able to do it, too.

 So, here's the deal:  For the past ten years or so, I've been a "professional artist," in as much as the bulk of my income comes from illustration, design, or licensing of said illustrations and designs.  If you know me, you know that this has been a mixed bag.  It's still pretty standard for people to be all impressed and say things like "how lucky you are to do what you love!" and I've certainly had occasion to say "NO, I HATE IT!!!" but, ultimately, it seems to be what's worked for me.   As such, the youth of America sometimes asks: How can I do it, too?  

First, I have a confession:  I sometimes feel guilty about being a professional artist.  Why?  Because I know that there are lots of people who are better artists than me and who probably want it more badly than me and there are people who got college degrees in it, for god's sake... but I'm the one getting the checks in the mail.  I'll admit up front, I'm not a terribly amazing artist.  It's not that I don't have any skillz (I am good at what I'm good at), it's just that I constantly see tons of artists who can draw and paint circles around me. In fact, my hand-drawing skills actually seem to get WORSE with time.  So why do I deserve what I've gotten? Isn't it just evidence of cosmic injustice?

I'll also admit: when I see people who are good artists who just do it as hobby, it throws me off a little.  I'm like the prostitute standing there saying "You do this for FUN? REALLY?  Don't you know you can get paid?"  But, truthfully, I'm not that jaded.  I remember what it's like to make art just because you want to see a picture from your mind take shape in front of you. Honestly, it's a more satisfying process, but I've crossed the Rubicon and now, for better or worse, I can never do art without thinking about how to make money off of it.

But, I am fortunate in that I'm good at making art that is "commercially viable."  I make art in a way that seems to appeal to people on kind of a shallow level and, frankly, I'm okay with that. I was one of those shy kids who had trouble relating to my peers and found that drawing them pictures was one of the only things I could do to curry favor (After reading Schulz and Peanuts: A Biography, I think this psychological profile might be kind of standard for cartoonists.) Basically, I learned to do art that would please other people. That is one facet of why I've been able to do this.

The other facet?  I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again:  In order to do art as a business, you have to know how to do business as well as you know how to do art.  You've got to be a hustler, and by that I mean you have to be the sort of person who's always looking for the angle to make a buck.  When I started, I wasn't as savvy as I am now, but I was organized and I knew how to make a plan and figure out what I needed to learn to pull it off and I was willing to learn those things.  

I was also willing (or naive enough) to take whatever risks I had to.  I invested in some costly promotional activities on credit and I haven't had health insurance in ten years. For me, this is not really a sacrifice and I don't consider it particularly courageous.  I'd rather face an unknown future with a lot of freedom than face a known future that's limiting and unsatisfying. I suppose it's a personality thing. It's also because I don't have kids or assets or the proverbial "anything to lose." I guess you also have to be a bit of an optimist.  You have to believe that the unknown future has a jackpot waiting in order to keep gambling. 

I also had the benefit of good timing.  If you underestimate the importance of that, I recommend you read Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.  I launched my career in a time and place that was creatively booming, so success was easier for a scrappy young hustler like myself to stumble back-asswards into.  Also, my "success" has been very roller-coasteriffic.  I have never had the same income from one year to the next and my jobs and projects are very random and inconsistent.

Rather than ramble on, allow me to clarify what my points are:

Things that (I think) you need to become a professional artist:

1. An organized approach to planning and execution.

2. A part of you that likes to hustle for money and constantly look for fresh opportunities.

3. A willingness to learn a lot of things on the fly (how to build a website...  how to use graphics software... how to read and write contracts... etc.)

4. Low risk-aversion.

5. An ability to give people what they want.

6. Luck

So, sadly, it's not about being the best artist or having a degree. It's really about all of the above combined with the decision that you really want to do it. So, long story short, that's how I'm a professional artist.  Results may vary.

How to look good on the internet: part one in an ongoing series! Photoshop! Photoshop! Photoshop!

 

 Okay, internet, remember how I told you how I wanted to be real with you?  Well, it was a half-truth.  I'm going to be just as fake as ever, but my resolve is simply to be completely transparent about my fakery.  We're co-conspirators in this whole illusory internet business!  And, really, nowhere is fakery more rampant than in the notorious userpic.  When you join a community, you pick a picture and then that picture is "you" as far as your "friends" or "followers" on said community are concerned. So the above is my Twitter avatar.  I was shooting for something accurately representational and "casual" which nonetheless conveyed some wry avuncularity.  Since the point of my twitter was to hone my one-liner skillz, I figured I should look comedian-ish.  Still, this pic is totally photoshopped and I am going to tell you how.

Why photoshop?  First of all, since most celebrity photos are photoshopped, I figured, "why should celebrities be the only ones who get to look unrealistically good in pictures?" Secondly, because I work in the arts and I've been around the internet block enough times to have a sense of "professionalism", I know that I want my online pics to look a step above "taken with my own outstretched arm in the bathroom mirror." The irony, however, is that this picture WAS taken with my own outstretched arm in the bathroom mirror.  But I felt like it had to at least LOOK sort of like a real headshot.  So here is what the picture started as:

 

So, rather than have you search out all the differences like some game in Highlights magazine, I'm just gonna run them down for you:

1. First and foremost was just to adjust the color/brightness to get rid of that yellowness that says "I took this pic in shitty incandescent light."

2. Second step was jacking up the redness of my hair and cleaning up those stray strands to make it look neater. Not only does this look punchier, but it's been my observation that nerds tend to have a thing for redheads, so it couldn't hurt to blatantly pander to my demographic in this particular way. 

3.  Next, was getting rid of those telltale signs of age.  Lose the eye wrinkles and the line at the corner of my mouth. Cool kids on the internet can't look old! Aging is for losers (unless you're trying to cultivate an persona of "wisdom" and "experience"... but still, that shit only works for dudes. Let's call a spade a spade.)

4. Okay, so then that left shoulder/arm?  The one that is obviously holding the camera?  How 'bout if I just push that down a little so it looks like this picture might have conceivably been taken by a "photographer" and not by me. 

5.  And now, my masterstroke!  I read somewhere that dilated pupils were a subconscious signifier of sexual arousal, so I MADE MY PUPILS BIG.  Oh, sure, I could have just put a pic of myself with blow-job lips and cleavage hanging out, but that shit's for amateurs.  If I am going to make my pic look "sexier," I'm going to do it like a fucking ninja.  BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING NINJA! 

So then I shrink my pic down to twitter avatar size and notice something amiss... my eyes actually look TOO large.  So then, irony of ironies, I photoshopped my eyes a teensy bit smaller so they wouldn't look photoshopped.

   

 Basically, reader, I want you to be in the loop.  The internet is full of chicanery and I'm exposing my own chicanery in hopes of illustrating the prevalence of chicanery. It's not 1998 anymore, so none of us needs to fall for this tomfoolery.  

My first and only tattoo: or "learn from my mistakes and don't get a tattoo of an obscure dadaist pun that only makes sense in French."

To this day, I still only have one tattoo.  I feel bad saying that I regret it, but...honestly... I often do.  This may seem a contradictory thing to say considering how much artwork I've done that's been tattooed on other people. The thing about tattooing, though, is that it requires a certain type of person to pull off successfully.  That person being, essentially, one that doesn't change their mind.  Trouble is, I'm definitely NOT that person and knowing that now doesn't really help.

I believe it was sometime in early 2000.  This was a particular time in my life that was kind of magical:  I had just transitioned over to doing art for a living and, because I was freelance, I didn't have to go to a "job" anymore.  I had more money and freedom than I'd ever had before.  I had also started performing and was still exhilarated by it. I was, in my small way, living the dream I had come to New York to live. The feeling was very emboldening. I felt like I could do anything. I had a sense of surety and power that imbued everything I did.  

And so, in this state of mind, I took my first trip to San Francisco. While getting silly with one of my good friends (who had many tattoos) she said "Let's go get tattoos together!" and I said "Yes!"  She was surprised and said "do you really mean it?" and when I said "yes" again, she grabbed my by the hand and said, "we have to go do it before you change your mind!"  

Now, it wasn't an entirely impromptu decision.  For over a year I had in my head the "tattoo that I would get if I ever got a tattoo," and that was what I intended to get.  Since I'd thought about it for over a year, I felt like I was making a good decision.  What I wanted was the letters L.H.O.O.Q tattooed on my lower back.  This was a reference to the art piece by Marcel Duchamp (right), which I thought was significant on multiple levels.  

First of all, Marcel Duchamp was a personal hero of mine, so the tattoo would be a tribute to that.  Secondly, the piece itself was an insouciant challenge to classical tradition which fit with my own sense of irreverence. And Thirdly, the whole joke of the piece lies in the fact that the phrase "L.H.O.O.Q." if pronounced in french sounds like the phrase "elle a chaud au cul" which means "she's got a hot ass"...and it's above my butt!  Haw!  So, really, I thought I was making a very sound choice.  I had this vision of sexy art history majors seeing it and falling in love with me.  It was going to be awesome.

But here we come to the whole "changing my mind" part...

So, it turns out that if you have a tattoo that is not immediately comprehensible (like say, a dragon or a butterfly) people expect you to explain it.  And after about the 100th time you explain it, you wish to god you hadn't had it put on your body permanently. During a romantic interlude, when a man would run his fingers over the letters and say "what does that mean?" my mind would heave a sigh: don't make me have to stop and explain this again.

 After a few years, when my shirt would creep up and someone would ask "what's your tattoo mean?" I'd just answer "It means 'don't ever get a tattoo.'"

The unfortunate part is that I didn't stop liking what my tattoo meant--I still love Marcel Duchamp and everything that's implied there--I just got tired of having this public statement that I had to explain.  

So, I guess that you have to be not only a person who doesn't change their mind, but a person who doesn't mind engaging with strangers via your body art.  Just a heads-up kids... give it some thought before you go under the needle.

The controversial Ralph Lauren ads: Unrealistic standards of beauty don't bother me, but bad photoshop does.

So these Ralph Lauren ads depicting "emaciated" models have been causing outrage on the internets and I wanted to throw my 2 cents into the mix...

  

So my first reaction was "What? That's so photoshopped it's ludicrous!"  my next reaction, however, was anger.  No, not anger at how Ralph Lauren was presenting unrealistic body images and turning the youth of America into a pack of eating-disordered self-loathers.  No, I was pissed because somebody got paid to do that photoshop...AND IT'S SHIT!

Look, pictures are photoshopped.  I know this.  I accept this. It's not like I've never photoshopped a picture.  Sometimes I've nipped in a waist or a thigh or erased some zits without even telling people. Hell, I've even photoshopped skinny women's asses bigger so their curves would look good.  People like to look good in pictures. And "posed" pictures are supposed to be a fantasy.  Might as well make everyone look their best, right?

But here's the deal:  These pictures almost make me crack up because they look SO RIDICULOUS.  These women don't look more beautiful, they look like they've been badly photoshopped by someone with a mortal fear of hips.  Look, maybe hips killed their parents or touched them in the bathing suit area.  I don't know.  All I know is that when you're supposed to photoshop a girl to look good, you are not supposed to make them look like Gumby in drag.  If your photoshop is that obvious, guess what?  IT'S SHITTY PHOTOSHOP.

That second photo hurts my soul.  Dude...(or chick, I shouldn't be sexist)...if you're going to photoshop someone to be that skinny, SIZE ADJUST THEIR HEAD TO MATCH.  I mean, come on.  How did this ever get approval?  The art director should be fired.  

Okay, okay... I know I'm supposed to be all "But think of the children!" but I think it's time the children faced facts:  

Fact 1:  Models are a very specific body type.  You can starve yourself until the cows come home and it won't magically make you 5'11" if you're 5'3"

Fact 2:  Pictures are photoshopped.  Maybe instead of eating nothing but a raisin all day, you should just learn photoshop.

Fact 3:  If looking good isn't your job, don't sweat it.  Okay, if you're a model or an actress or a stripper or a trophy wife and your livelihood depends on looking a certain way, well, sorry, but you're gonna have to take those lumps.  If you're not, well consider yourself lucky!  You are officially not required to give a damn!  Sure, we all want to look nice, but there's no need to torture yourself over it. Just call a spade a spade and play the hand you're dealt. Also, feel free to gloat over the fact that you'll still have a job after you're 30.

And so, I would urge the youth of America to look at these pictures and laugh, because they are silly...or...if you are like me, get pissed off that such crappy workmanship made it into a national ad campaign. 

The A.V. Phibes business philosophy...simplified!

I just found this in one of my old work notebooks.  I think I drew it around the time that I realized I hate customer service.  I find it both funny and TOTALLY TRUE!